Previously on The Magicians...
I knew the Beast would come.
Get strong, learn fast, any means necessary.
So that's it? That's all you're gonna say to me?
I got into the school, and you didn't.
I don't know what else to say.
Marina is a psycho!
You think Brakebills cut you off from magic?
You don't know "cut off".
I want the spells I'm missing, so I can keep going.
I want the new ones she stole.
They're locked in her filing cabinet.
You are a Traveler.
You can move between worlds.
Had the lecture yet on sticking with astral projection?
It works by binding your body to Earth.
Won't make the voices go away,
but it might keep you alive.
All I can say is, it was some kind of dungeon.
This was on the walls.
Penny, I think you were in Fillory.
You were in Fillory. You were in Fillory.
Stop! Okay, Fillory is just a...
Did you see any animals? Did they talk to you?
I was at some dungeon, you Hobbit-loving freak.
What's wrong with you?
There are no Hobbits in Fillory. It doesn't matter.
Ah, the drawing, the crest, it means
that you were in a certain Fillorian castle.
Oh, kill me. It was built by dwarves.
Ah, okay, let's not get caught up in the details.
The point is that it's full of, uh,
a ton of incredibly magical shit.
Oh, yeah, the Beast is really fucking magical.
Let me pop back over there and see if he does birthday parties.
Let's go. It's a waste of time.
I think you should listen to Quentin
because I'm assuming you didn't travel
to Fillory on some planned vacation,
so you don't know how to control it yet.
Then educate yourself.
Nobody knows more about Fillory than Quentin.
What if you end up back there again?
She makes a point.
Okay, fanboy.
Tell me what it says in the books about
not getting my face eaten by the Beast.
The Beast isn't in the books.
How's that, if I was right there staring him in the face?
The Chatwins, they mostly get chased around
by this time witch, the Watcher Woman.
She plants clocks in trees.
Ah, it's sort of surrealist.
Okay, all right, I take it back. This is a waste of your time.
The books were written for kids,
so maybe they skipped the monster that rips out people's eyes.
I don't know! PENNY: Okay.
We're done here.
You love Fillory so much, I hope you get to go. I really do.
I guess I've been trying to convince myself
that Penny's somehow wrong about Fillory
despite having actually been there.
That's a pretty acrobatic form of denial.
I really am sorry.
I'm sure Fillory got you through a lot as a kid.
Yeah.
As a kid.
Sorry, the manager isn't in right now.
Would you like to place an order?
I know you know who I am. Look, I'm sorry I insulted you guys.
But just who talked to you? Marina? Pete?
I'm going to call the cops.
God, Rick, grow a pair!
Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.
Please. I don't know anyone else.
I'm not done with you.
Consider it a warning.
Julia.
Julia, wait. Okay, just wait.
Marina, okay? No one wants a war.
Here.
It's about an hour by train. Went there couple of years back.
They're real. They're good.
Just give them a try, but please don't come back here again.
How'd you learn all this anyway?
Me and a friend got deep into ink spells in high school.
Ah...
It's not the Mona Lisa, but I do have 20/20 vision in the dark.
And where was all this exactly?
I told you, I'm basically from the 'burbs.
Actually, you never say a damn thing about your life.
'Cause it's boring.
What flavor of boring?
My mom died young,
and my dad is kind of embarrassing.
He wears Birkenstocks and he sells weed, and...
But he loves me no matter what kind of trouble I get in.
That sounds nice. Yeah.
So, this symbol,
will it do anything for the whole mind-slut shit?
Yeah, you know, Brakebills is good.
Everyone knows how to pull their blinds down, you know?
Yeah.
I still hear her, though. That girl from the dungeon.
Can't shut her out.
I just file that under
"Wish there was jack shit I could do about it."
Yeah.
Or were you talking about the Beast?
If I was you, I'd be curious.
He's full-on AWOL, not a peep.
So I get this, and I don't poke the bear.
Let's just hope the bear has better shit to do.
Shit, shit, shit.
Hey!
Why are you following me, lady?
Easy. I just want to show you
I'm just like you.
Hello?
Is someone being creepy on purpose?
Secure the sacrifice!
No! God damn it. No!
O Manon,
we offer up this virgin,
flesh and blood!
Jesus, I'm not a virgin.
Huh.
Life is full of surprises.
What the hell, Margo?
Follow, follow. Hurry, hurry.
Ow.
Guys, the pine needles are hurting my feet.
Shh.
Ow, ow.
Hello, first years.
At this appointed hour, as tradition dictates,
it falls upon the upper class
to administer what is known simply as
the Trials.
The Trials test your ability
to think and act like a Magician.
Pass, your journey begins.
Fail, you flunk out.
This is a test engineered to thin out the herd.
Only those who should will survive.
Oh, nut up! This isn't Harvard.
It requires actual effort.
And don't bother to go complaining to the faculty.
They're off on a luxurious retreat,
observing from a distance.
You are ours, miscreants.
Onward to glory!
Come on! Go! Go!
Name, please?
Alice Quinn.
Hmm. Let me see.
Alice Quinn.
Wow, you're really enjoying this, aren't you?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
The Trials themselves have the power, Alice.
They will pass or fail you as the Dean created them to.
I merely keep a little eye on each and every one of you.
Ah, there you are.
Report to the table on your placard.
Good luck.
Next!
Say one word about Fillory, and I'll kill you.
Get me kicked out... Well, then we'd finally be even.
Now I get it.
Get what?
Why our team name is Horny Chupacabras.
I'm not a...
I don't even know what a chupacabra is.
It's a spine-covered goat-sucking primate indigenous to Mexico.
I can already see we are immensely
handicapped by your presence.
In 18th century England,
a secret society known as the Brethren encrypted hundreds of spells
to hide them from the church.
You may open your blue books.
Each team must decode and cast their spell by 9:00 a.m.
Screw up, and it's back to page one.
FYI, this test is pretty much impossible. Begin.
Back in the day, we'd travel the world.
We'd pay for spells. Trade for them.
And they weren't all the most ambitious Hedges you ever saw,
but we looked out for each other. It was like family.
First family I really felt I belonged in, actually.
Okay, so what do you want exactly?
Well, you know, our story with Marina, it's not rare.
I have seen her chew people up and spit them out.
Then what? You swoop in, you buy us a milkshake? Come on.
Not till today.
You are the first I believe can really do things
if given the opportunity to learn.
I mean, I can feel it coming off of you.
You're not an amateur. You're the real thing.
Yeah, well, some think so. Some do not.
Well, I think we can help each other.
How?
It's not much, but, you know, they'll be new to you, I think.
Wait a minute. How did you...
All over. Where did you...
You don't want to know.
But you're welcome to them.
In exchange for what?
Just do some with me.
I miss the feeling, you know?
Welcome, à la Safe House Julia.
Can you make it colder?
Girl, you're strong!
Shit.
Was this the last of them?
Afraid so.
Well, hey, we'll hit the road, right? Find new stuff.
Try, at least.
But you know who has a ton of new stuff? Marina.
'Cause she got her memories back.
I helped her do it.
She has...
Brakebills.
So she has everything.
We're screwed. How much time do we have left?
I don't know. Who knows how to read an hourglass?
This is impossible. Even Eliot said it was impossible.
Wait, it's impossible.
Actually, he said, it was practically impossible,
but maybe some genius can do this.
So, what, only geniuses can be Magicians? Really?
We have to cheat.
They want us to. We've been Kobayashi Maru-ed.
Whatever that means, yes.
No. No way.
You're an idiot. We're cheating.
Why would... Why would they want us to cheat?
'Cause we're Magicians.
No. No, they just want to see how far we can get.
There's no such a thing as half a spell.
You guys are insane.
Supply closet. Five minutes. I've got a plan.
Oh, man! They really upped the security since my day.
How much do you know about those wards?
Enough to know they're strong,
but not enough to break them, so...
What do you think would happen if we just
ran in there and grabbed the filing cabinet?
Oh, yeah, sure.
You ever see the movie Scanners?
Oh.
There's a way. There's always a way.
You have a pen?
Here.
What we need...
Think of it like a fishhook.
We grab the cabinets from the room without tripping wards.
There's wards all over the room.
Yeah, in this dimension, sure.
The one thing I can't figure out is how to get the hook in.
You know, we need someone inside for that.
And I sort of burned all my bridges with that.
You think we can pay someone off?
No.
I know someone.
Took you long enough. Okay, here's the question.
Do you believe what you said earlier,
that a genius could solve this by dawn?
Well, yeah, I mean, if they were...
Alice Quinn?
If anyone, she could.
Can you read her mind?
No. Unlike you, she's airtight.
But I can do one better.
Just light the fucking thing.
Nicely done.
Perfect execution.
Too bad I know you cheated.
Congratulations, you two, and on to the second Trial.
Well, what about...
Thinning the herd.
So are you gonna tell me who we're meeting?
Yeah, she's not a hedge witch exactly,
but, well, her and I have some history.
So I think it's best... What do you mean by "history"?
Hey, chickadee!
Mom, you shouldn't be here.
This is your daughter.
What's she doing here?
She's a friend.
Okay, come on, babe. Please, sit.
How are you? How have you been?
Just tell me what you want, Mom.
I want to give you something.
Oh, that's so sweet!
Yeah, my birthday was seven months ago.
Kady, look, I was not in a good place
the last time you saw me,
but my shit's together now.
Oh, is it? Is that why you're hanging out
with the angriest bitch from the safe house?
Oh, if you want to insult me, you should try again.
Just...
Listen.
I called because Julia and I have a line on something.
Oh, my God, here we go again.
We're gonna start our own house.
Nothing crazy, but it'll be safe from Marina,
so come with us.
My God, you're insane.
You actually think that you can beat her.
Hey, Marina's strong, but so are we.
Nothing like that at school, huh?
Protection charm.
It'll render our house literally invisible.
You know, the amazing thing is
you actually believe that this plan could work.
Marina will never let me go.
Ever.
Oh, did Hannah give you the whole sob story?
Kady... No, no.
Marina didn't betray my mom.
She cleaned up her mess.
Yeah, Hannah, well, she wanted to steal something. Big heist, right?
Except she can't handle her shit
under pressure, and two people died.
Cut to now, Marina gets to demand
that I steal shit 10 times a week.
Yeah, no big.
Don't call me again.
You can't take that! Let her have it.
No, we need it. So does she.
If I had more, I'd give you more.
Yeah.
But you don't.
You sold your daughter to Marina?
No, Marina stole her.
Yeah, because of a really bad judgment call that you made.
She said she had my back. This is not black and white.
Yeah, well, Kady sure seems to think that it is.
If this goes how we want, I can fix that, too.
"If this..." Do you hear yourself?
"If this works out"? I'm out.
Oh, no, you don't. You do not cut me off.
My daughter just got brought into this.
And I will share with you everything I can,
but it is better that I see this through alone.
This looks like a home brew. Where did you get it?
Found it inside an old textbook.
It looks underwhelming.
So how's Professor March's research going?
Look, I tried, but he won't take on first year assistants.
Well, you're just his type, so I'm sure you'll figure it out.
"But where's the door, Martin?
"There's always a door to Fillory when we really need it.
"In the clock, or the closet, or my panties?"
Come on, celebrate! You passed, you dirty cheater.
What's the problem? Speak.
No offense, you're just not exactly...
Warm and cuddly? I know.
You ever want something so badly
and then realize that it's nothing like what you thought,
and maybe that you are stupid
for ever actually even wanting it?
Every guy I've ever slept with.
Fillory is real.
Oh, come the fuck on. It is.
Penny is a Traveler,
and he went there, and it's real.
Look like your head's about to pop off.
I loved those books.
You did?
Why so surprised?
I'd pretend I was ambassador to the Fillorian Outer Islands.
But the real thing, it's not like the story.
So, what, it's actually totally shitty over there?
I don't know. Maybe. Yes.
At least a little.
The thing that attacked us, that ripped the Dean's eyes out,
seems like it might be from Fillory.
Jesus.
That is not tonally consistent with the books.
No, it's not. And that... I just...
I find that devastating.
Were you planning a trip there?
No, really.
Because, otherwise, you're literally
torturing yourself over a fairy tale.
Quentin, you passed the first Trial.
You live to fight another day.
Drink up. Go to the party. Find someone to bang.
Celebrate the world you're in, dummy.
Come on!
Okay.
Well, I'm a little...
I am very...
Wow, I'm really, uh...
Margo, did you roofie me?
Can we skip down to where you realize you no makey magic here?
Oh. Cucumber. Daddy's favorite.
And too much dill.
There they all are, all those little fishies, just like us,
eating, shitting, breeding.
I require one.
It's over there. Chop chop.
I am literally losing the will to live.
So this is my next test?
I'm supposed to spear a fish?
Do your lips move when you read?
Seriously? One arrow?
Eliot!
Bring him to me.
Why?
I want to get my Catherine the Great on.
Google it. Totally hilarious.
Oh, and to help you out.
No. Just no, okay?
Okay.
Wait.
I'm seeing your future now.
Gay porn?
Mi favorito.
Liver.
Julia, stop!
You're gonna blow yourself up! I was getting it.
You really weren't, hon.
How did you get in?
I unpicked your ward.
I would go with Koyosegi next time.
Thank you for the advice. Now, can you please leave?
We already agreed that we're not partners, okay?
Well, it didn't work because you need 10 extra digits.
Actually, I don't.
It's interesting how you can't look at me.
Know why?
'Cause I'm too familiar.
I mean, we both made mistakes.
We live with them. We go on.
Alone, if we have to.
But you do this alone,
and you will get hurt.
Come on. We can help each other out.
Please.
I want my daughter back.
Kady?
Kady. Hey, Kady!
Kady. Kady! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Let go! Let go! No.
I have to catch the bird. No! Hey!
This shit is dumb. The school is not worth it.
No, I can't! You don't get it. I can't get kicked out!
Ow! Fuck! Oh, my God.
Jesus. Oh, my God. Is it broken?
I don't know. Ah.
Let me see. Let me see. Let me look at it.
It's not broken. Look, talk to me. What's going on?
Look, it's just... This is all I have.
Me, too.
No, it's different.
I'm different. I need Brakebills.
It's life or death. I have to be here.
Hey.
What are you supposed to get with that?
A fucking pheasant.
You? A horse.
These people are crazy.
Let's go find the others.
Come on.
Yo!
Seriously, dude, I almost had him.
We'll get him, son.
It's not about magic 'cause it's about talking to each other.
All right, you got that.
But I grew up in Florida,
so I actually know how to use it to get your fish.
But I'm after a horse.
Seriously? What?
Junior Cowboy Camp.
Pheasant.
Tree.
You're bleeding.
I hated Junior Cowboy Camp.
Timber!
Bravo!
Brava. Brava.
That's it? We passed?
After you chop the tree into firewood,
whip us up a little grilled salmon.
Some honeyed pheasant.
And take turns blowing the horse.
Did you see the look on Quentin's face? Yes.
Like, "Fine, but I am not going first."
I'm sure by now, you've realized
Brakebills teaches us to be arch and ironic about magic.
But this one plays it serious.
You must bare yourself
in the presence of another magical adept
and expose your highest
governing internal circumstance,
which is to say your utmost truth.
You have till midnight.
Ready?
Oh, shit!
Shit!
No!
Okay, it's a two-person spell.
Both must succeed to unlock it.
You bind your hands with this rope.
How am I gonna survive?
It'll fall off once you've reached transcendence.
Okay, it's got to be some kind of scheme, right?
To record us playing naked truth-or-dare,
so they can blackmail us or something.
Unfortunately, Margo wasn't lying.
It's arcane and a bit unorthodox,
but Secrets Magic is a real thing.
Basically, there's no trick or cheat to this.
It's kind of the exact opposite.
Focus. I'm trying.
All clear. Good to go.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no.
Run.
Hannah! Hannah!
You said it was all clear. You said it was gonna be okay.
Go! Run! Marina is coming.
We need to get you help.
911. What's your emergency?
You know, it's not part of the spell,
but I think it could make things easier.
You know, I always thought
when I partook in a nude magic ritual
that I'd be sort of in a mystical trance.
Tell that to the girl who lost her virginity with all her clothes on.
Hide the sun
I will leave your face out of my mind
You should save your eyes
A thousand voices howling in my head
Okay. Okay.
Uh...
I've been institutionalized more than once.
Maybe we shouldn't drink.
Or we should drink more.
Yeah.
William. Really?
Ask me something harder if you want us to get somewhere.
Away, away
Ask me why I'm nice to you.
I had noticed you're a tad brusque with everyone else.
And why is that?
Penny, you don't have to.
Look, I'm not scared to tell you this because it's true.
Shit.
Okay.
Truth.
I am scared to tell you this because it's true.
I'm falling in love with you.
All the stars are shining bloody red
I can't do this. I can't do this.
Kady, I'm not gonna chase after...
You won't have to.
What does that mean?
Look, I'm a liar, okay?
I flirted with you that first day
because you looked useful, and you were.
Look, we stole a lot of shit, so there it is.
I've been using you this entire time.
It's all a lie.
Black out days
I don't recognize you anymore
Penny.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
I need to sit.
I really didn't see this coming.
How could you? You're the best.
You know what?
I try so hard not to be.
Why?
I'm already pretty damn unpopular.
Can you imagine what they would think
if they knew how good I really am?
"Spinster Magician dies alone eaten by cats."
I always hold back, Quentin.
Every single day. I mean,
I have no idea what I'm even capable of,
and I'm just trying so hard
to be anything close to normal.
My friend Julia said that I couldn't run away hard enough.
She's right.
I run, and I...
I find secret doors.
Whether I'm alone or in a group doesn't matter.
Like, I'm here. I'm in this amazing place.
I have literal magic in my life, and I'm still running.
I'm still this person that I fucking hate.
Sorry. I'm really drunk right now.
It's okay, Quentin. I get it.
Your ropes are gone.
Yeah, so are yours.
Alice, I...